A Journey Of A Thousand Baby Steps

Life can seem like a series of random events---and sometimes these events don't seem to make any sense---yet somewhere along the way, the pieces begin to fit together. I'll be sharing some of my random events and looking for the string that binds them together! Personal growth on the path to enlightenment is often fraught with comedy, drama and chaos!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Will Some Things Ever Change?

It's been over 3 months since I last wrote...and so much has happened and taken place. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own life---or like I am watching a movie of someone else's life.

I've now moved into a beautiful home that is all my own--and the energy is quite nice and positive----so why then am I still having feelings of incompleteness, and sadness. How long am I going to be in mourning over the past.

I have moments of brightness and light.....last week, I went to see Peaceful Warrior---a movie based on one of my favorite books in the whole world (The Way of the Peaceful Warrior). For a few days after I saw the movie, I was able to see/feel/know that everything is as it should be---that the past is gone, the present is unwritten....and that I need to be in the NOW.

There was one scene that illustrated the excitement that we all experience when we are going to do something in the future.....we are like children in a candy store...or like a child in anticipation of opening a present----and when the moment arrives, it is often not what we expected, and we get disappointed----when in actuality, nothing changed----the anticipation of the unknown fed our excitement, and once the unknown became known---where did the excitement go? That was the question posed to Dan---and the answer came back------it is the journey that is the key---not the destination.

I know that I know that quote.....but why is it so damn hard to live that way? How much time is wasted on feelings of insecurity, loneliness and feelings of unworthiness?

For myself, I have spent way too much time beating myself up over everything...being afraid of so many things.

Last week, I found a T-shirt that has "Reckless" on the front of it....that was what I wrote as my goal for this year---to live with Reckless Abandon. And I haven't done anything close to that!
So when I saw the shirt--it was a reminder. Thanks, Universe!

I don't feel like I have any energy to do the things that I want to do....or that I need to do...and I really don't want to fall back into feeling despondent and despair.

I already decided to do the Master Cleanse again next week.....to try to bring some focus and clarity back into my life.

I have been practicing daily gratitude--but it's not enough....there are so many things that I am grateful for---my house, and my friends. And I have so many wonderful, loving people in my life---why, oh why, am I still dependent on what other people think or feel about me---and when am I ever going to know that I am enough in and of myself???? And more importantly, am I ever going to get to the source of my insecurities, and clear the causes of it?

There are so many questions that I need to get answered about myself and where/what I am going to accomplish with my life....and how I can actually enjoy the process of being present and "alive" in every moment.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Major Change, A Chapter Closed

A long, long tedious day. A chapter opens, another one closes.....and I have two months for the transition.

I hope I can keep it together.....

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Relaxing, Productive Day

I woke up, read more of my book...and then proceeded to spend 4 hours cleaning! A big burst of energy...was great....

Then, I laid in the sun, and took a nice relaxing bath...and tried to give myself a home pedicure. Not so successful there......

It's getting warm here too.....I think it was above 90 today...I did go outside, but I didn't leave the house all weekend....it was nice.